Life of Hard Knocks

Life is hard.  For everyone.  Sometimes it's a little harder for others.  This post is going to be hard for me to write because it requires me to remember things that I have purposefully blocked because of the pain that always floods back when I remember.  I touched base a tiny bit on the abuse from my past in this post, but today I'm going to start from the beginning.

I was raised with love.  Love for family, love for friends, love for neighbors, love for strangers, and love for God.  We were and still are a family that always accepted one another and stood by each other through everything.  That included when I got pregnant at 17 years old.  Were my parents shocked and disappointed?  Yes.  But, they moved past that and did what they always do, love me.  Which is a good thing because I was a baby, having a baby...and I was very scared.  

I never thought that someone could treat family any different than how I was raised until I met the man that fathered my child.  It started like all relationships start, with a boy trying to win over the heart of a girl.  Little did I know (even though I had been warned) that this boy had a dark and depressing past that caused him to not know how to love someone.  Once I got pregnant, his true side started to show.  Probably because he figured that I wasn't going anywhere now.  

He started by convincing me that my family was out to ruin our relationship, and trying to isolate me from them.  Abusers like to isolate.  To make matters worse, I decided to marry this guy to "fix" getting pregnant while unwed.  (FYI...don't get married just because you have a child with someone...it's not always the right answer).  My mother cried most of my wedding day...not happy tears either.  She was afraid for her daughter and grandchild.  

Once we got married it go really bad.  I was thrust into every responsibility known to man.  If I didn't know how to do something, then I had better learn or face retribution.   The checkbook (which I had never learned how to do before) had to be perfectly balanced, the house needed to be immaculate, dinner better be delicious and exactly what he wanted that day (since I was expected to be a mind reader) or it would be trashed and started over.  He was to be waited on hand and foot, while I also took care of our son (and it was always him first, then the child).  

Intimidation was his favorite method.  I remember one time in particular that I decided not to back down (crazy I would have my own free will, right?) and he got inches from my face and started to scream and spit on me, my son (age 1 mind you) stepped in between us, and very bravely pushed his father away and reached up for me to keep his father away from me (his name means "brave protector" btw...I think that fits him).  I remember another time when my son left a toy (a very heavy, metal toy) on the bedroom floor, which my ex tripped over, then picked up and flung at me because I did not pick it up...so I obviously caused him to hurt himself.  On more than one occasion I got remotes thrown at me.  He intentionally threw up on out bedroom floor and force me to clean it up because I needed to "learn to do that since we have a child".  I was also in charge of shaving his back (not even joking), if I pulled a tangled hair or nicked him (which happened a lot since he has a massive amount of curly back hair), I was backhanded into the bathtub.  Then forced to stand back up and finish without pulling or get backhanded again (apparently that was supposed to teach me to not hurt him?).  

After a year of marriage, I had had enough and decided to leave.   I already tried leaving before...sometimes he would hold our son hostage so I wouldn't leave, sometimes he would make promises to change so I would come back, and it would always work.  But, one time, I got strong enough to stay gone.  I had to do it while he was gone and quickly so he wouldn't try and take our son from me.  I packed as much as possible as quickly as possible and called my parents to help me leave.  He tried to make his usual promises about changing, but this time I was stronger and smarter.  And once he realized I wasn't coming back, he went right back to his old habits...but this time, they were directed toward our son.

I hated sending him to his father.  He would cry and hide every time that doorbell rang.  I knew that he was hurting him, but I had no proof.  Then one day, at 3 years old, my son was dropped off with my grandmother (she watched him while I worked) and she discovered bruises all over his backside.  My dad took pictures and called me at work.  The rest of the day both stood still and became a crazy blur at the same time.  I know I went to court and got a restraining order, I went to the police to show them the proof, and I went directly to our pediatrician so that she could document everything for me.  Then I called my lawyer and got the ball rolling.  Now, if I were to post these pictures, you would think that he lost all rights.  But he didn't.  He took anger management and parenting classes and acted apologetic (like he always does when he's called out).  And the court system decided to let this man have visitation rights to his child again.  Fast forward 4 years, my son comes home with bruises all over him.  According to my son, they were from his father repeatedly throwing a football at him and telling him that "if he'd catch it, it wouldn't hit him".  I instantly did the exact things I had done before.  This time, my son was old enough to give a statement to child services.  But, according to them, he was so well spoken and mature with his responses, that someone had to have fed them the things he said.  Needless to say, I felt let down by our system that's supposed to be protecting us.  Eventually, my ex got limited visitation.  And we have been going by the court ordered schedule since then.  The physical abuse stopped, but, as most people know, abuse is not always physical.  The mental abuse hangs on so much longer and does so much more damage, but it's a lot harder to prove.

My son has been counting down the days until he didn't have to see his father anymore.  I have always been careful not to say bad things about his father.  I never wanted to influence any of his choices about his dad.  I wanted his decisions to be based solely on what he wanted without any pressure from anyone else.  He confided in me that he wished to change his last name when he turned 18 (which honestly broke my heart because I couldn't imagine hating my father).  He started resenting his fathers other children because they were being raised to be just like his father, so they tormented my son right along with him.  He finally had enough, and got up the courage to stand up against his father, and he told him he never wanted to see him again.  I have never been worried for, and proud of my child at the same time before.  It's a strange feeling.  I really wished that his father could see that he needed to change, but he hasn't yet.  My son has been through more than most adults let alone children his own age has been through.  His whole attitude has changed since he's made this very hard/scary decision.  He seems care free and happy.  

I don't know what the future holds.  He might eventually come to forgive his father.  His father might see where he has gone wrong and genuinely change (God can do anything right?).  If and when we get there, I'll be here for my son because that's the way I was raised....and that's the way I will raise my family.

Kitchen Redo

I haven't blogged in a REALLY long time.  But I promise I have been super busy.  I've spent the last month repainting the kitchen and hallway, redoing the kitchen cabinets, and redoing the countertop.  My husband teases me because I am always painting something...but I like to change things up, and paint is the easiest way I know how to do that.  I looked around one day and realized that all my walls were the same cream color....and it was boring.  My daughter picked a bright pink color for her room a while ago, and it looks awesome.  And after that I painted my room a light grey.  Now, I'm ready for "lived in" parts of my house to be done.  I started with the kitchen because I was tired of the color and the cabinets were definitely faded and needed a face lift.  Pinterest was my best friend on this project...it helped me pick a fantastic looking blue.  My first step was preparation....which takes FOREVER!  

I laid this bag out to catch all the wallpaper pieces that fell....as you can see, that worked out well.

I'm kind of ashamed at the amount of dust on the bottom of my  bakers rack (and the piece of bread in that pan).

This is my kitchen before...wallpaper is hard to get off.

While I was painting...I had a little oopsy.  I fell, and my glass top stove caught me and broke.  But, I got a new stove out of it so YAY!

After all my painting was done, it was time for my cabinets.  I bought Rustoleum cabinet and countertop kits.  The cost depends on the size kit that you need.  Jacob got the bigger kits because I didn't know our square footage, but I had plenty left over and might save it for when we do the bathroom....we'll see.  The cabinets and counter each took a week, and I took a week break in between them because I start getting tired and rush things...I did NOT want to rush this.  I finally finished it all this week and my life can get back to normal (at least until I decide to do the living room).

I'm pretty impressed with the outcome.  I also changed all my knobs and handles.

Look how nice my kitchen looks!

The Value of Money

Lately, I've been really frustrated with me children.  They are used to getting things when they ask for them.  This is mine and my husbands fault.  It's nice to be able to give your kids the things they want.  Most parents would love to be able to.  But this doesn't teach them the value of the things they have.  If it breaks, they think that a new one is going to magically appear, so why take care of it.  What really pushed me over the edge is a conversation I had with JR.  He was asking for something, and I told him he couldn't have it because Easter was coming soon.  His words were "but that's like a WHOLE month away" then proceeded to throw a fit.  Yep, that is the kind of spoiled brat comments I hear.  We have tried chore charts and allowances, but eventually they just stopped doing chores and I got tired of looking for a dollar toy when we went shopping because they had a dollar from chores.  So I tweaked the chart a little.  Now, each kid picks something BIG that they have been wanting and we write it down with the price.  Then, each chore has a daily price (meaning, if they do that chore once a day that get a certain amount).  At the end of the week their chores are added and a total is written.  When they earn enough for the item, then they can have it.  They are no longer allowed to ask for something every time we go to the store.  They have to earn it.  Of course, there are special occasions like Christmas and Birthdays, but I want them to learn the value of their things and to know what it's like to actually work for them.  I explained it to them like it was an actual job, using my husband as an example.  If he doesn't work, then he doesn't get paid, and we don't get to do the things we like to do (like movies and eating out).  I'm hoping this works...fingers crossed.

Updated

Pinterest...you FAIL

Ok not really Pinterest, I still love you.  But this pin was not my favorite (to say the least).  So, I'm sure you've seen a pin floating around that says you can add 2 old, soft bananas and oatmeal and you can make wonderful cookies.  OMG! Totally so easy and has to be delicious right?  And I am always looking for ways to use bananas before I toss them (usually banana bread).  Sometimes if something sounds too easy to be true, then it is.  The cookies don't expand when you bake them, so keep in mind that if you decide to try them, they will stay exactly how you plop them on the baking sheet.  The texture is funky too.  

Before

After

By unanimous decision, they were a bust.  We each tasted one and each decided they were gross and I tossed the rest.  Try them yourself if you want, but there is no substitute or shortcut when you want a nice and tasty cookie.

Be My Valentine....week 4.

This is the last week for the Be My Valentine marriage challenge.  This week I am supposed to do little things for my husband that he would think is romantic.  Anyone that knows my husband, knows that romance is completely lost on him, lol.  It's fine...I can always tell when he's trying.  But, trying to ask him what would be romantic for him...he would probably just laugh at me.  I still plan on asking.  If he doesn't tell me anything, then I'll just guess.  We've been married for over 9 years so I'm sure I could figure out what would make him feel a little special.  But, I am up for some ideas....so let me know what you plan on doing, or if you have an idea for me.  Happy Valentines Day everyone!

Testing (Is This Thing On?)

I have always hated tests.  In school, I would chew my fingernails off in anticipation...and if those were gone, I'd switch to my pencil.  I have always been the type of person to study like crazy ahead of time, then 2nd guess my answers (even though I was right the first time).  Like when I took my written drivers test.  I read that little book the DMV game me from cover to cover, multiple times.  I failed the written test 4 times (those answers are always so tricky).  

When God tests us, or tries to teach us something or realize something...you don't have time to study.  Usually, you don't even realize whats going on until it's over with (or you never realize...which I have probably done).  I was recently given a test in trust and reminded of the wonderful man God gave me. 

 Trust is a MAJOR issue for me.  I can't pinpoint an exact time when I stopped trusting people, I just eventually did.  Hard life lessons made me feel like things only got done if I just did them myself.  Every time I tried handing the reins over, I was let down.  So, to compensate, I just started doing everything myself and stopped trusting other people.  On the down side of this, doing everything yourself really sucks...and is very hard.  

My husband had been working out of town a lot...when he wasn't, his home time would be him sleeping (or the rest of us sleeping).  Needless to say, we didn't see him.  It became overwhelming (and what sparked my last, very depressing post).  He got the opportunity to move to a different company that would make things a little easier on us.  The problem was, he worked for a friend, and he was having a hard time quitting.  I kinda lost it a little.  I seriously had a breakdown and spent the entire day crying.  I tried everything to stop, but the tears just kept coming.  I have never been so grateful that my kids were in school.  I was worried that I wouldn't be able to calm myself before they got home.  Eventually I just screamed...like a serious, top of my lungs, scream.  I screamed God's named....followed by the word HELP.  The hard part was trusting it.  I pried myself off the couch and into the shower, then cuddled under my blankets to read.  Not long after that, my husband called to tell me he was coming home....I lost it again, but this time from pure joy.  When he got home, I wrapped my arms around him and wouldn't let him go for a long time....and I cried some more  (told you I cried a lot that day).  Eventually the kids were like "um, mom....we missed dad too.  Could we hug him please?"...lol.  The next morning, my husband called me to ask if I would pick him up after the kids went to school...he was quitting!   I left it all alone and left it up to God and my husband, and it turned out the way I'd hoped.  And, I haven't been able to get enough of my husband (not in THAT way....get your head out of the gutter).  If he's around, I WANT to hug him....I WANT to hold his hand.....I WANT to give him a kiss.  This is BIG for me.  I'm not a PDA type girl.  Jacob is TOTALLY a PDA (actually, an any kind of display of affection) type person.  Through the whole trust ordeal...God even managed to make me realize how much I actually needed my husband, and He reminded me what a gift Jacob was.  I'm stubborn...so sometimes it takes drastic, slap you in the face, things to make me understand and change my very set ways.  So...even though I was totally unprepared for this test...I think I eventually passed it (or at least got the point).  

Perfection is a Myth

People see my family and think we have it all together.  I try to make it seem that way too.  Why would I admit to flaws?  Admitting to being flawed makes me feel like I'm admitting to being a failure.  

We don't struggle financially....we have been blessed in that area.  People assume that it makes life easier.  And it does, to a point.  But, what people don't realize is the cost that we have to pay. 

My husband is a good, hard worker.  He doesn't try to kiss butt to get his way, he does his job and does it right.  Bosses love that.  But his job keeps him away from the one thing he really wants.....being with his family.  

I get so angry at people who act like I have no right to complain because we don't struggle financially.  Those people don't have to go everywhere and do everything with 3 kids to tote along.  Those people don't have to watch their kids run to the door because they think they hear daddy's truck pull in, then watch their little faces melt into a puddle of tears and disappointment. Those people don't know how cold and alone their bed feels at night because their best friend isn't laying beside them.  Those people don't wake up in a panic in the middle of the night because they heard a noise outside or they've had a nightmare that their spouse is never coming back home again. Those people don't have giant chunks of their day with only the thoughts in their heads to stress over.

Are we financially stable? Yes.  Does it make things easier?  No....it doesn't.  Why am I writing all of this and putting all of my flaws out there?  Because I am here, with nothing but my own thoughts....and writing it helps.  I pray to God for peace and understanding....and I know it's coming.  But until then, I have my thoughts.  And they can be overwhelming.  We aren't perfect...nobody is (no matter what they decide to share on FB).  Everyone struggles.  How about you reach out and lift someone up today?  They might really need it.